Wise and All Knowing
by Looneygamemaster
Summary: Acknowledged as the expert on humans, it wasn't really surprising that the oldest Chosen Digimon would eventually have to explain something REALLY embarassing...


Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon.

…What? You were expecting some witty quip?

Anyway, as I hinted at the end of my last story, this one is silly and light, and not dark at all. I've actually had it in my head since before my last one, and only wanted to wait until I saw the Japanese version of the scene it references (one of the most adorable scenes in the entire show). Sorry to those who like my other stories—I hope you give this one a chance.

Slight warning—there's some very light sexual humor in this story. Just in case it bothers anyone.

* * *

Wise and All-Knowing

She didn't quite know when it had happened.

All she knew was that it had.

Tailmon was regarded as the wise and all-knowing expert on humans and their world to the new Chosen Digimon.

Whenever a Digimon had a question about humans that they couldn't get an answer to (most likely because of the embarrassment such questions caused among their partners), they came to her.

It made sense, she had to admit. For one thing, she was an Adult level, higher than the others, and not so obsessed with food and playtime. For another, she had formerly been an integral part of a vast army whose goal was to infiltrate and conquer the real world. And her job had been to find out everything about humans, even things that she'd rather not have—

As usual, the cat Digimon cut her mental musings off before they could wander to that train of thought.

She didn't mind the questions—they were all innocent and had no real harm to them.

Or, more importantly, no embarrassment to _her_.

Armadimon had wanted to know why Iori's family was more formal than most families.

Tailmon's answer? "Some humans still live in the age where manners weren't considered obsolete."

Hawkmon, usually level-headed, had asked about the makings of kanpyoumaki, his favorite snack.

Tailmon's answer? "Humans have all kinds of ways to make food. Go look at a cook-book."

V-mon—coming _ever_ so close to the aforementioned train of thought—was curious as to why Daisuke got all "silly and dopey" whenever Hikari was around.

Tailmon's answer? "Because he's at the age where human boys think the only way to impress girls is to act like an idiot."

But no questions today, no sir—Tailmon was simply stretching on top of the brick wall near the school, basking in the sun, while waiting for her partner to leave the juvenile prison and await her with a cheerful smile.

Just as her eyes began drooping, her ears perked at something—a small noise that would have gone unnoticed to duller hearing. Half-asleep, she turned her attention towards the bottom of the wall.

It was Wormmon.

No danger. Tailmon stretched and yawned prepared to yield to a nap's enticing promise again. It was just Wormmon, crawling towards the wall, scowling…

Tailmon's eyes flew open.

Scowling?

Now completely awake, she again turned her eyes towards Wormmon—who was not only scowling, but, accounting for the quiet noise that first disturbed her, muttering angrily to himself.

Odd.

Tailmon was not on especially close terms with Wormmon, but as far as she had known him, the green worm's only mood had been a timid, slightly melancholy gentleness.

She had never known him to even show irritation, let alone the full anger he was emitting.

Deciding such a situation needed to be looked into (if just for the reason that she would not be able to sleep with such an oddity nagging at her), the cat Digimon leapt from her resting point, right next to Wormmon. With her usual cheerful (if slightly wry) smile in place, she said conversationally, "Well, what's got you in such a pleasant mood, Wormmon?"

No response. The worm Digimon was so absorbed in his mutterings, that he had not even taken notice of her.

Tailmon's smile faltered slightly. "Wormmon?"

No response. Now the smile was gone. "Wormmon."

No response. Now an angry glare was forming. "Wormmon!"

No response. Now…

"WORMMON!"

The subject of Tailmon's shout jumped, as though he'd been electrocuted. Turning around, his large purple eyes blinked as they fixed upon her.

"T-Tailmon? When—what—"

"In order—a full minute ago, and I happened to notice you talking to yourself, so I decided to see if you were crazy or not."

"I-I'm sorry Tailmon—I just…"

Taking a moment to breathe and calm herself ever so slightly (she wanted to help the worm, not scare him to death), the cat responded, "Forget it. Just tell me what your problem is."

Wormmon's usual shy expression hardened slightly. "I-_I'm_ not the one with the problem."

Tailmon blinked at both his hostile expression and tone. "Did you have a fight with Ken?" Considering the former Digimon Kaiser was almost obsessively careful to avoid mistreating his partner again, the idea of such an occurrence bordered on the ludicrous, but that was the first possibility that Wormmon's answer suggested.

Now he looked uncomfortable. "No, the problem isn't with Ken-chan. At least…not exactly…"

"So who's it with? Me? V-mon? Armadimon? Hawkmon? Patamon?" Slightly annoyed at the worm shaking his head at each mention, the cat decided to take a chance with the other children. "Miyako?"

She hadn't intended anything special—for some reason, it was the first that had come to mind—but at Miyako's name, Wormmon's gaze again became angry.

Now Tailmon was confused. While the purple-haired girl had never been especially close to Wormmon, she couldn't recall any incidents of open hostility between them. Deciding that more prodding was in order, she said, "Explain." Wormmon opened his mouth to protest, but Tailmon added, "Now." And Wormmon closed his mouth, for her tone left no room for argument.

"Something…something's wrong with Ken-chan, and it has to do with Miyako."

Tailmon raised her eyebrows. "Care to elaborate?"

"W-well…you remember the New Year's Party a few months ago? When we went to New York to visit Mimi?" Tailmon nodded. "Well…Ken-chan and I were talking about America…'cause Ken-chan knows a lot about America, like what that big statue of a lady was for and when it was built, and when that _huge_ bridge was built…"

"Get on with it," Tailmon interrupted, in a voice that was almost a growl.

"W-well, while we were talking, Miyako came up to Ken-chan, and she said…she said she wanted to talk to him about something—in private. And Ken-chan, was kinda shy for some reason, and his cheeks looked red…but he went with her to the other room…and they were in that room for half an hour…and Ken-chan came back in, and he…he was acting _weird_."

"Weird how?" Tailmon asked, though the worm's dilemma was already becoming clear.

"Well, he was smiling, but it wasn't that small gentle smile he always has, it was big and…well it was _big_. And Ken-chan was really happy, and…and he was _humming_."

Putting emphasis on that word, Wormmon seemed vexed that Tailmon didn't find this revelation shocking and only looked at him with a calm almost teasing smile. "Did you hear me? I said he was _humming_!"

"I heard you Wormmon," she replied. The temptation to tell him what she thought had happened was strong, but she decided she had to know something first. "But there's nothing wrong with Ken being happy, is there?"

"Of course not!" Wormmon replied, offended. "And if it had lasted for just that day, or the day after, I would have forgotten about it. But it went on for _weeks_! Ken-chan always looked like he was dreaming…he was smiling, humming, and he didn't even seem to know I was there! And then—_she_ started coming over." Tailmon's eyes widened slightly at the contempt in her companion's voice. "She's started coming over to our house and they'd talk to each other _all day_—at least, she does, Ken-chan just looks at her with that weird smile. And if she's not with him, he's with _her_, and I'm always left at home! Away from Ken-chan! Somehow, she's doing something to him… she's making Ken-chan forget about me!"

Tailmon could not help it. As the worm's almost childish tirade burst forth, she'd begun to fight back a giggle—and at his final sentence, she could resist no more, and let loose a laugh. She laughed so hard that she fell over on her back, rolling back and forth.

Wormmon, already panting from his excited speech, did not have his temperament improved by this sight. "Wh-why are you laughing?! This is serious!"

"I-I'm s-sor-sorry," Tailmon replied, between bursts of laughter. "It's jus-just so ador-adorable!"

Wormmon glared at her and crossed his pincers in what was unmistakably a childish pout. "You told me to tell you what was wrong! There's nothing adorable about it!"

"I s-s-said I'm s-sorry." With great difficulty, she sat herself back up and, with greater difficulty, fought her laughter back down. Wiping tears of mirth away, her face became calm again, though she still fought back a chuckle. "But you're making a big deal out of nothing. There's really nothing wrong with Ken—all humans go through this phase."

"They do?" Wormmon blinked in confusion.

"Yep. Ken and Miyako…well, they're just going through a new kind of relationship."

"I…don't understand."

"Didn't Ken ever tell you about dates?"

Tailmon had expected Wormmon to either stare at her confusedly or suddenly give a look of comprehension. What she had not expected was for the worm's eyes to widen in horror and gasp.

"DATES?!! But…but…but Ken-chan can't go on DATES! DATES lead to bad things! GROSS THINGS!"

Now, Tailmon's eyes widened in horror. "You mean…he actually TOLD you about that?!"

"No, but I saw it on the TV once! This guy and girl, they were on a date, and then they went up to a room and they started doing GROSS THINGS!" To her credit, Tailmon didn't faint at the thoughts this statement brought into her head, though she did start to feel rather sick.

Wormmon suddenly jumped. "What am I doing here?! I have to go and tell Ken-chan about those things before it's too late! I have to protect Ken-chan! KEN-CHAN! KEN…mmpf!"

Tailmon had leapt forward and forced her paws on the worm's moving pincers, partially to halt the noise, and mostly to stop the nasty thoughts coming into her head. Amusing as it might have been to imagine Wormmon storming into Ken's school and screaming accusations about his love life, the discomfort of such an ordeal for the shy boy far outweighed the humor.

Especially if it slipped out that he'd gotten the idea after a conversation with her.

"Now _listen_," she hissed, quietly but forcefully. "I'm going to take my paws off—and when I do, I want you to _carefully_ listen to me. Understand?"

Wormmon nodded, and as she removed her paws, the cat Digimon took a deep breath to calm herself. "Humans do _not_ go on dates just to do those… 'gross things'. Some do, but Ken is NOT one of them. When humans go on dates, they want to experience the possibilities of new feelings, new relationships—basically this is the age where they go looking for a mate."

"Mate? But don't girls EAT their mates?!"

"Those are INSECTS Wormmon," replied Tailmon in exasperation, and could not help thinking, _Gods alive, hasn't Ken told him ANYTHING useful?_ Aloud, she continued, "It's…difficult to describe how humans view their mates. You just need to know that Miyako has no intent on harming him or making him forget you."

"But he is!" And now Wormmon's face saddened. "We used to play, and talk, and have fun all the time, just the two of us—we haven't done any of that for weeks now." He lowered his face. "I…I want to be the one Ken-chan cares for the most. I know it sounds selfish, but…well there's been lots of girls who like him…even Chichos back in Mexico…but he's never really been interested in any of them. This…this is different…now, now he likes someone more than me."

Tailmon's annoyance with Wormmon's naivety was replaced with a pang of sympathy. _He's really upset about this._ She had an inkling of how he felt—her partner, after all had started that phase as well. And yet, even her friendship with Hikari was not like the overwhelming _need_ that Wormmon relied on Ken for.

"Wormmon." The worm Digimon looked up in surprise—Tailmon's voice was softer and gentler than he'd ever remembered. "I know it seems unfair, and you must be lonely—but Ken will never forget about you. He may have someone else to care for—and maybe she can do things for him that you can't. But by the same token, she can't do the same things for him that you've done. Did Miyako dutifully stand by Ken and watch over him, even at the risk of constant abuse? Did she give her life to save him from madness?"

Now Wormmon looked embarrassed. "I…I didn't really do that much…"

"Even so, your relationship with Ken is unique. No one else's can replace it, because no one else's is the same as yours." She smiled. "Talk to him…tell him your worries. I'm sure he'll listen."

"You…you really think so?"

"I do."

Wormmon lowered his head again…and then raised it. "You're…you're right. I shouldn't be worried…and I shouldn't be angry at Miyako. Because…because no matter what, Ken-chan and I will always be friends."

"Now you've got it," Tailmon said in approval. A sudden thought made her smile vanish however. "But…Wormmon? When you talk to him…you might want to leave out the part about…um, those 'gross things' you saw on TV."

"Why?"

"Well…they don't really make for comfortable conversation."

Wormmon looked at her in confusion. "They don't? But I see people in our neighborhood do them all the time."

Whatever Tailmon was prepared to say next was obliterated from her mind by that statement. "You…you see people…doing THAT?"

"Yeah…and I don't see why they like it. I just think it's gross. Why would you want to taste someone's lips?"

"Taste…someone's lips?"

"Yeah, just like on the TV. The guy and girl went up to a room, they talked a lot, and then they started tasting each other's lips. It was so gross!" Suddenly, Wormmon brightened considerably…indeed, he seemed happier than Tailmon had seen him today. "Wait…making babies isn't too far off from that, right?"

"Making…babies?"

"Yeah! I read it in one of Ken-chan's books, the same one that talked about eating mates! They get really close, and then the girl lays eggs!" Now he seemed unable to contain his glee. "And that means BABIES! Little babies like Ken-chan! How could I have been so unhappy about this?! I have to go home and wait for Ken-chan, so I can ask him when Miyako can start laying eggs…bye Tailmon!" And Wormmon dashed off.

Leaving the wise and all-knowing expert on humans for once, completely and utterly speechless.

It took five whole minutes for intelligible thought to return…and when it did, Tailmon realized she had two options.

She could hope that Ken would sort the confused worm out.

Or she could dash after Wormmon and try to explain the human process of "making babies" and why it would be an embarrassing conversation topic.

…

…

Tailmon leapt back towards her resting place. She'd done enough in her wise and all-knowing expert role for today.

Besides, she wouldn't want to interrupt a lovely bonding experience.

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Well, that's that! This story was longer than I expected, but it was still fun to write. I hope those who read it found it funny or at least cute. If you do (or if you don't) please review!


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